When the Answer is No

The first serious talk Larry and I had after we got engaged was about how many children we wanted to have. I loved coming from a big family, and always pictured myself with lots of kids. Thankfully he shared those same desires and since we are both the 6^th of 8 children, we decided very quickly that 8 was the perfect number–give or take a few, but no question about it, a big family was in our future.

As is often the case with life, things didn’t go quite how we plan them. We were super blessed to have three fabulous kids that came after a lot of prayers, fasting and Priesthood blessings. They were spaced out further than we wanted, but we figured our prayers were answered three times, why not a few more? After many years of praying, our prayers still weren’t being answered the way we wanted, in fact they didn’t seem to be answered at all as we experienced the emotional rollercoaster of infertility.

In 2004 we decided to try in-vitro fertilization or IVF. At this point our oldest was about 13 and our youngest about 7. As I was preparing physically for the procedure, our family was preparing spiritually. We had several family home evening lessons on faith and miracles and talked about how God has the power to answer this prayer. We fasted, we prayed and we invited our extended family to join with us. We were doing our best to exercise great faith, and went forward with the procedure wondering if we would end up one, two or more babies! We were happy and felt confident Heavenly Father would answer this prayer.

It was a pretty sad day when I got the phone call telling us that it hadn’t worked. I was home alone when it came. I called my husband of course, but the kids didn’t find out until later. I was talking to my sister on the phone when she said something that, quite frankly, baffled me. She made a comment about what a blessing it is for my kids to go through this experience of not having their prayers answered. A blessing? I didn’t know what she was talking about. I wondered just how this would affect their faith.

After that phone call, I quit talking and whining and did some serious thinking. I also pulled out a book about receiving answers to prayer and spent the afternoon reading and pondering. I found a chapter entitled, “When the Answer is No.” As I read, I realized that the real test of our faith is to continue trusting in the Lord when we don’t get what we want. It is easy to trust and exercise faith when we ask to find something and we find it, or when we pray to have a child and we do, or when someone we love is miraculously healed. It is another thing altogether to pray for a righteous desire, exercise as much faith as we possibly can muster, and then not have those desires fulfilled. Do we get mad at God, doubt our faith, or deny that we ever exercised faith to begin with? Perhaps there is an element of concern about what others will think—will they think it was because of a lack of faith that the prayer wasn’t answered? A far better response, I learned, is to trust the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father by continuing to exercise faith. We must continue having the same faith, but then turn that faith into the miracle of trusting God.

That evening as we gathered together as a family and broke the news to the kids, I asked them why they thought it didn’t work. The immediate answer was, “because we didn’t have enough faith.” We told them no, that isn’t why. We did have enough faith. We absolutely knew that Heavenly Father had the power to grant that desire. It didn’t work because, for some reason we don’t understand, the answer was no. We tried IVF a second time several months later, again with no successful outcome. We learned from those experiences that sometimes it takes MORE faith to accept the Lord’s will than to have a miracle happen. For me, that lesson has been priceless as I have received a clearer understanding of truly trusting in the Lord and His will.

Faith is an interesting thing. It is not simply about asking and wishing hard enough for something so that we can get what we want, it is about trust. There is great power in faith, and by faith the works of God are made manifest. But faith alone does not make all our wishes come true. When difficult times come, we really do need to plead to the Lord and ask for a miracle with our whole heart, expecting that miracle to happen. When miracles come and prayers are answered, we then need to show gratitude for the Lord’s tender mercies. The greater challenge comes when our prayers and pleadings are not answered the way we would like, or the way we think they should be. It can feel that a giant door has been slammed shut. We may mistakenly feel that it is our fault, that we didn’t have enough faith, or that there really is no such thing as faith and miracles, at least not for us.

What is the key to successfully transitioning from total faith that our afflictions will be relieved and KNOWING God has the power to change things, to accepting the Lord’s will and still trusting in Him? I have pondered this for several months and have come up with a few thoughts. I fully recognize that I don’t understand this completely, and there are many situations with their own uniqueness, but here are some of my thoughts:

I think one key component is to know that God loves us individually. When trials come, we may feel that we have been abandoned, that God doesn’t love us, or that we are not worthy of a miracle. We need to be able to rely on the knowledge of his love so we can take these lonely, difficult experiences and come away with an even greater knowledge that God is there helping us through our difficulties, that He is aware of our needs. I have had some neat experiences with simply praying and asking our Heavenly Father if He loves me. Because He is God, and cannot lie, I know I will get an answer. What a sweet, wonderful feeling it is to feel His spirit completely wash over me, letting me know that indeed His love for me is constant, even when I have had doubts or struggles. President Thomas S. Monson said, “Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes… It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.” If you are ever in doubt, kneel down and offer a prayer, simply asking God if he loves you, then bask in the sunlight of that answer. If we are watchful, we will see the hand of the Lord in our lives letting us know in multiple ways that He is completely aware of us.

As a parent, sometimes it is easier to just do everything for your kids—the house is cleaner, things are done better and definitely much faster when you do them. The problem is, if a parent always does this, children don’t master those skills themselves. So, many times as my kids were growing up, I had to exercise additional patience by teaching and letting them do it, perhaps multiple times in order to learn and grow. Eventually they mastered those skills that they struggled with, even those they didn’t like doing. Likewise, it would be easy for God to simply answer our prayers, do things for us and make life easy, but that would rob us of growing opportunities. Rather, His love extends beyond convenience and He gives us experiences and opportunities to help us learn what we need to learn. He is right there by our side as we struggle; mentoring us, encouraging us and teaching us eternal lessons. It must be painful at times to watch us struggle, but He who is all-knowing knows best how to teach us what we need to learn.

We were sent to earth to be tested, to have physical experiences, to learn to be better than we are, to prepare us even for godhood. Trials make us grow and teach us things we could never learn another way. Elder Richard G. Scott taught, “Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.” I love that! Not a moment more! All these experiences are for our good.

A few weeks ago I was attending the temple with some very serious concerns on my mind. I wondered if there was any hope with a particular problem. As I pondered I received a small glimpse of the purpose behind a different, but related, trial. It was to help someone I love to grow and change. I felt immense and immediate feelings of gratitude for that particular trial. In fact, I was willing to suffer more if it would help the ones I love to return to our Heavenly Father, and I was HAPPY for that trial. I came to have the feeling that one day, after this life is through, we will be able to see why we went through some of the things we did and will actually give great praise and thank God for giving us each of our particular trials. The very thought of not having that trial for my ease and convenience made me want to scream out and say, no give me the trial—I will do it! Because we don’t often get those insights and we don’t have the ability to see with eternal eyes, we must have faith and trust that God really is all-knowing, all-powerful, and above all, that his great love for us extends beyond simply pleasing us or making things easy. He allows us to pass through trials because He loves us, and knows that they will make us better sons and daughters.

Even Jesus Christ, the greatest of all, pled, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” Can you imagine the outcome if His Father and our Father would have answered that prayer with an “Okay, I will give you what you want?” All mankind would be lost, but for the salvation of all, he allowed Christ to be our savior and to fulfill the great an atoning sacrifice so we could be saved. Again, let me repeat the words of Elder Richard G. Scott, “Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.”

As we gain a knowledge of the love our Father has for us, and for all his children, and recognize the purpose of life, we can have the faith necessary to say as the Savior did, “Thy will be done.” As we are able to do that, we will gain a greater capacity to bear those burdens, and will feel of the great love God has for us. It won’t take away all the pain, or the suffering, but we will have hope and we will have trust in the Lord and his plan for us which will give us adequate strength to handle whatever difficulties come.

 

**This was originally posted in 2014