On February 23, 2018 I was told I had cancer.  The last year has been hard, changes in my vision will make the rest of my life a challenge, but along with the hard has come many, many blessings.  I have learned and grown so much, and have had some incredibly sweet experiences in my relationships with others and in my relationship with God.  Yesterday marked exactly one year ago that I had my surgery to remove the tumor.  I had been thinking of writing a summary of my year ever since January, but kept putting it off.  I gave myself the deadline of March 12, my main surgery date, and am only one day late:).  It was much more emotional for me to go back through the information and compile my thoughts than I thought it would be.    

2018 Brief Medical Summary

February 2: Surgery to open up my lacrimal sac which appeared to be clogged.  This came after discovering a small lump on the side of my nose near my eye.  I had been having watery eyes for about 7 years, but kept being told it was nothing.  A biopsy of the tissue was taken and sent in for evaluation.  

February 23: Informed I had a malignant tumor in my right lacrimal sac (squamous cell carcinoma). Immediately referred to UC Davis Medical Center

February 27-March 6: Multiple Appointments and scans at UC Davis in Sacramento

March 12: Surgery to remove the tumor–7+ hours in the operating room

Dr. Farwell, head of ENT at UC Davis went in through my nose and the corner of my eyelids to remove the tumor, surrounding tissues and nearby bone. A lot of bone was removed and titanium plates were put in my face and around my eye to rebuild the socket and reconstruct my face. They cut the muscles holding in the right eyeball and removed about 1/3 of my upper eyelid and ¼ of my lower eyelid. A large hole was left, so Dr. Tollefson, my plastic surgeon, cut a section of skin from my forehead, flipped it across my nose and sewed the end to cover the opening left after removing everything that needed to be taken out.  The pedicle, or skin flap/graft went across my nose so the skin still had an active blood supply. The surgeons were thrilled with how well the surgery went and continue to be thrilled that I do not have double vision and that I have healed very well–truly a miracle!  The margins were all clear!  The pictures below show me a couple days after surgery.  At this point I had not idea what it looked like under the bandage.  The pic below that was week or so later at the office when my stitches were removed and I saw the pedicle (which I eventually named Lowly the Worm) for the first time.

April 4: Outpatient Surgery to divide the skin graft over my right eye.  I don’t have any good pictures, I think I was still mostly using an eye patch in public at that point.  He split the skin that was grafted to start reforming the nose-side area of the eyelids and he also thinned out the thick forehead skin.  

May – June 12: Radiation Therapy at UC Davis. Daily, Monday-Friday.  Pictures:  I would get bolted down to the table every day with the head mask.  Radiation was really hard on my skin, and it took many months to get it clear. The bottom picture is of me and another patient I met in the waiting room.  We both finished our treatments on the same day.  I treasure the relationships I made there, she especially was a great inspiration to me.

The staff in radiation was incredible!  They were always so happy and upbeat.  They worked in the basement with no windows and saw patients all day who were going through tough things, but they were always happy! 

9 July: Outpatient Surgery to remove the pedicle from the skin graft.  The picture below was taken about a month after at Aaron’s wedding.  Lots of makeup, but that is about as far as my eye could open.  It was so GREAT to say goodbye to Lowly the Worm!!

November 13: Outpatient surgery to further open up the skin graft to improve vision.  The doctor kept the threads long and pulled away from the eye so I wouldn’t have any irritation from the ends of the stitches.  My eye really opened up a lot more, and the swelling continues to improve. 

Prognosis:

A malignant tumor in the lacrimal sac is extremely rare. There are only 300-500 recorded cases according to an article I read from November 2010. Because of that, statistics just aren’t very accurate. What statistics there are, show that this type of tumor is most likely to occur between the ages of 40-50 and is very aggressive. The mortality rate is about 38%.   Of course the earlier it is detected, the better chance for survival. Thankfully it was caught fairly early and the cancer had not spread beyond the lacrimal sac.  I have great hope for a long life!  

After Effects:

I have to do nasal rinses daily for the remainder of my life. No big deal.

My eyesight is another story. I definitely had decreased vision for a while, but now feel that it has come back to similar to what it was before. Unfortunately, my ability to read or use my eyes to see details has decreased significantly. I don’t think the sight has changed so much, but since my eye doesn’t drain any longer, I almost always have tears sitting in my eye, which makes up close vision blurry-distance is fine for the most part. If I lay my head down, it will drain immediately, but then it becomes dry and irritated, causing major discomfort.  The more drops I have in it, the better it feels, but the harder it is to read/see details. Ointment gives immediate relief, but it is very difficult to see and to remove later and seems to aggravate the pain the following day, so I use it sparingly.  Screen time also increases the discomfort in my eye. I have a really cool one-eyed goggle that I can wear when it is really bothering me;). On the other hand, I have two eyes that both work!! 

The other difficult side effect is dryness in my whole body. I have felt for years that I don’t assimilate water as I should, and have always had chronic dry lips, and heels, but now it is worse and I have to make a concerted effort to drink water all. the. time, which may seem like a small thing, but it is a burden, especially on busy days.  I set a timer on my watch to remind me every half hour to drink water.  Otherwise, I feel like I have pretty much gotten back to normal. I no longer need naps and my strength is returning.

The Good Part:

My experience with cancer has been quite a blessing in so many ways, and I want to share a few of the sweet experiences I have had. Below are a few excerpts from my Caring Bridge blog.

March 17: Amazing Foresight or Divine Direction?

In January 2018 I had the random thought that I should take a trip to Utah to visit my parents and kids. After some discussions on dates, I finally booked my tickets. It ended up being perfectly timed between finding out I had cancer, the pre-op appointments and the actual surgery. I couldn’t have hand-picked better days had I known what was going to happen. It was such a blessing to be able to go and spend time with my family, especially my kids who needed some comforting. As soon as I found out that removing the tumor would change my face, I said how sad I was that we hadn’t done a family picture at Christmas. Larry made arrangements to fly to Utah for one short day just so we could have pictures taken as a family.

March 3: Feelings of Peace

Two days before I found out I had cancer, I went to the Sacramento Temple with my mother-in-law. It was a normal day, and I didn’t really have anything special on my mind. While there, I had some overwhelming feelings of peace and love from God. I just felt really good and happy. The next day I got a phone call from the ENT clinic telling me I needed to come in and talk to the doctor. At that point I was pretty sure I would be told I had cancer. Because of the experience I had on Wednesday, I was at peace and I knew I was not alone.

Those feelings of peace continued to stay with me throughout my whole treatment and recovery. I also had plenty of moments of feeling sorry for myself, but I remember the feelings of peace much more.

April 2: God is aware of ME!!

One day I hadn’t slept well the night before, and then I overdid it, and so I was feeling weak, and I was bleeding more from the surgery site. I was exhausted and a bit emotional. We were in bed and I was kind of crying and telling Larry that I still need people’s prayers. I had felt such amazing strength from them to begin with–in a way I hadn’t thought possible. I told Larry, “I think since I have done so well, everyone has quit praying for me, and I still need their prayers.” Right as I vocalized that, I got a text from my sister with a simple note that said, “We’re still praying for you.” I found out the next day that she had already gone to bed and was asleep, but woke up, sent the text, did a couple of things, then went right back to sleep. It was such a sweet reminder to me that Heavenly Father is completely aware of me, and that I still have a ton of people praying for me. The next several days I had many messages from people telling me they were still praying for me. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your continued prayers!!!

April 27: Hope is Powerful!

I can’t sleep, and finally got out of bed to write this.  It isn’t a worrisome, fretting lack of sleep, rather I am just filled with gratitude for the amazing blessings I have been given!  Since all this cancer business started, I have been so incredibly blessed in countless ways.  I have had medical miracles, and amazing healing.  Every time I go to the doctor, they seem genuinely thrilled with how things have turned out and how I am healing.  I have also been blessed with an outpouring of love and faith from hundreds of people.  I am so blessed to have the support of so many people I love!

I will admit though, the last few weeks have been a bit more of a downer than what that last paragraph sounded like-I have felt some discouragement and fear…But tonight, I am filled with hope.  Hope that everything will continue to go well.  Hope that I will feel the peace that can only come from Christ.  Hope that despite what the doctors say could happen from the radiation, I will actually respond well, and have great results despite the toll radiation will have on my body.  I have hope that because of faith and prayers, Dr. Rao will know exactly how much radiation to give me, and precisely how to angle it so that I can keep my sight and not have excessive damage to my skin.  The most important hope I feel is that no matter what happens, I can handle it!  It is going to be okay, and I will be okay.  I have the Lord on my side and by my side.  I have great plans for things I am still going to accomplish in my life, and they will certainly be much easier to fulfill with two good eyes, but if I have to adapt to one good eye, that will be okay.  Hope feels much better than fear and despair! 

May 7 (After one week of radiation)- Look Forward

…Another thing that helped me get through the week was a thought from church last Sunday.  The Sunday school lesson was about the children of Israel and how they kept looking back to Egypt, which made it hard for them to move forward towards the Promised Land. I suddenly had an ah-ha moment. The children of Israel kept looking back thinking that what they had in Egypt had been good, and maybe the best they could have, but the Lord had something way better ahead for them—a promised land! I realized it would be a big stumbling block for me if I kept thinking and “looking back” on the way my life used to be. I have to look forward and move forward and trust that the unknown future can be a blessing too.

As I was pondering this thought yet again this morning, I remembered something my brother wrote to me right after I let him know of my diagnosis. He had cancer years ago and it returned two more times. He barely survived the treatments and bone marrow transplant the last time, which were incredibly hard on his body. This is part of what he wrote to me: “I have learned…that my cancer experience has been a blessing in my spiritual life. I have had to learn to rely on our Father in Heaven and on his Son to get by. Even today, I have to rely on Their help for all aspects of my life…I have received the sweetest gifts via the enabling power of the atonement and through power from the Father. I am grateful for my trials and challenges, and I try to give thanks daily in my prayers.”

May 22- Blessings in Disguise

I learned something really awesome over the last week or so. After meeting with my oncologist and my plastic surgeon, I realized what a blessing I have been given. In a previous post I was lamenting a bit about my eye and how frustrated I am that it is not open more. At my last appointment, my doctor commented on how surprised he is that it is still swollen and hasn’t opened more. At the same appointment, he stressed how important it is going to be to keep it moist over the next several weeks so I don’t damage the retina. Radiation is incredibly drying, especially to my face, nose, eyes and mouth. I feel like I am drinking all day long, yet, I’m always thirsty.

After that appointment I got thinking more about what he said and am fully convinced that the droopy, swollen eyelids are a huge blessing and are protecting my eyeball. I used to work hard to keep the eye cleaned out so I could see better. Now I wash it sparingly so it stays closed and moist. I’ve wondered how many other “problems” I have had that are actually tender mercies and blessings in disguise. 

March 12. 2019: Looking Back with Gratitude

As I reflect back to the events that happened over the last year, I am grateful! I am grateful that I had such wonderful care and that the cancer is gone. I am grateful for the outpouring of love I felt, and the power and strength that came from hundreds of people praying for me. I am grateful for my experiences! They have changed me in multiple ways and I like the ways I have changed. I have also learned that most people don’t care what I look like. In fact, it almost feels like more people talk to me now-or maybe it’s me who’s friendlier. I really am grateful for the many things I have learned and that have helped strengthen my knowledge of and relationship with God. I am blessed, incredibly blessed!

Years ago I listened to a talk from a BYU devotional called, “Seeing as Far as Forever” by Joan W. Young.  I was only listening half-heartedly as I was working on a sewing project.  Joan was a middle-aged woman who told a story that caughtmy attention and not only made me stop my project, but also caused me to pause the talk and rewind a bit, get my kids who were in other rooms and make them come and listen.  I was amazed as I watched and heard her tell how she got a job as a high school football coach.  After 20 years as a stay at home mother, she decided to get her teaching degree.  With degree in hand, she was hired at East High School in Salt Lake City, Utah to teach English.  One condition was that she had to agree to also be the swim coach.  It didn’t take long before East High school had a top-notch, winning swim team.  While the swim team was doing well, the football team was experiencing a 30-game losing streak.  USA Today wrote that they were “the worst team west of the Mississippi.”  Reporters even attended each game to record the record-breaking streak.  About this time, the head football coach talked to Joan and asked her to come on as an assistant coach and work with the kickers and special groups as well as keep the team motivated in the games.  She spent many hot days in August with the team members at practices helping them and watching them.  Joan said, “It didn’t take me long to discover that these young men were not losers. They had talent, character, and determination. But for four years they had heard the press, fans, and friends talk about how “bad” East High football was, and they had come to believe it.”

Before the first game, she game a simple pep talk and told them what she had observed while working with them—that they were talented, had character, determination, and they could win.  After a grueling game which included 4 overtimes, they won the game, 42 to 35!  The team needed someone who believed in them to teach them what they had forgotten: that they were winners not losers.  It wasn’t a hyped up speech those young men needed, it was a message of confidence.

That is an amazing story and there are thousands more just like it.  So much of what we do is tied to our mental frame of mind.  It is amazing the power our mind and our attitude has on what we are able to accomplish.  Like that football team, we all struggle to remember who we truly are and what we are capable of becoming.

Last year I was asked to give a short class based on a blog post by Kathryn Thompson called, Drops of Awesome.  It was fantastic and not only did I love giving that class, but I determined to rebuild my blog so I could post about it!  Kathryn talks about an experience she had with her son as she walked him to the bus stop one morning.  She wrote, “I squeezed his hand, felt the rare Seattle sun on my face, and told him I loved him. I was nearly perfectly happy.  Nearly.

Just at that moment, the thought came into my mind, That’s awesome that you’re walking him to the bus stop and putting on this “mother of the year” act today. What about yesterday and the day before that? You hardly ever walk him to the bus. He’s probably holding your hand because he’s so desperate for the love and attention you haven’t been showing him.   My bubble had burst.”  She felt lousy.

What happened?!  Kathryn was having a happy, simple joy-filled moment with her son.  They were both happy, then a negative thought entered and sucked all the joy from her.  Similar scenarios like this happen to all of us.  We allow doubt and negativity to diminish us, and even paralyze us.  I came up with a few things that can help us overcome negative thoughts and beliefs:

Quit feeling needless guilt! 

Someone wisely counseled, “reserve guilt for sin.”  What a great thing to remember!  Guilt is a great tool to help us to change and improve, but oftenwe use it needlessly so it ends up being a burden that allows us to forget who we are.  Rather than motivate us to be better, we become filled with despair.  Sometimes we mistake society’s expectations for God’s expectations.

 We are a work in progress    

Another principle is to recognize that we are a work in progress.  My granddaughter is learning to walk right now.  She has taken a step or two on her own, but for the most part she still prefers to walk holding onto things or just crawl.  When she tries and falls down, do we scold?  Of course not, we cheer, we clap and we encourage.  We are the patient knowing that eventually that milestone will become second nature to her as she walks easily and eventually runs.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him… God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.”

Gaylamarie Rosenberg gave a fabulous talk about perfection.  She compared our life on earth to the creation.  What did God say at the end of each day?  It was good.  He didn’t lament that he really wanted flowers when the land and the water were divided, he rejoiced in the progress of that day.  He didn’t say at the end of day 5, “after all this work and all this time, all I’ve got to show for my efforts is fish?!”  No!  He said, It is good.  Each day more and more was created.  He knew eventually there would be flowers and trees, and animals.  He was able to look at what had been done and be content with that for now.  We too need to recognize that we progress a step at a time.  Each of those steps are not a final destination but prepare us for the next step.  There are certainly things we used to struggle with that are now easy and have become second nature.  Likewise, there are things we now struggle with that we will eventually learn to master, one day at a time.

 Be Positive and Focus on Joy

In October of 2016, President Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk about joy.  He said that when we focus our lives on Jesus Christ and His gospel, no matter what is happening, we can feel joy.  It may be accompanied by pain, sorrow and other feelings, but the underlying feeling can be one of joy.  He said, “Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God’s power in our lives!”  Think of that, focusing on joy brings power to us.  We need that power so that we can truly do what God put us on earth to do.  What does it mean to focus on Joy?

Let’s go back to the blog post from Kathryn Thompson as her mind responds to the negative thoughts she had on the way to the bus stop.  She wrote, “Then another thought came. Kathryn. What is wrong with you? You are being an awesome mom in this moment. Your child is happy. You are loving him and caring for him. He’s well fed and dressed. You’re walking to the bus stop in the early morning and you’re already wearing a bra for heck’s sake. Do not rob yourself of this moment’s joy because of what you failed to do yesterday or what you fear you might not do tomorrow.

 As I said goodbye to Magoo and started to walk back home, my mind started to shift. Drops of Awesome! I thought. Every time you do something good, something kind, something productive, it’s a drop in your Bucket of Awesome. You don’t lose drops for every misstep. You can only build. You can only fill.

• I walked Magoo to the bus. Drop of Awesome!
• I fed him fruit with breakfast. Drop of Awesome!
• I told him I loved him. Drop of Awesome!
• I wore a bra and brushed my teeth before schlepping it up that hill. Two Fat Drops of Awesome!

All day long I chanted these words in my head. I picked up that tootsie roll wrapper off the front porch instead of stepping over it for the eleventy hundredth time. Drop of Awesome! I unloaded one dish from the dishwasher when I walked through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom. Drop of Awesome! I texted my sad neighbor to say I was thinking about her. Drop of Awesome! I had a critical thought about one of my kids and I brushed it away and replaced it with love. Drop of Awesome!

 When I started thinking about my life in terms of adding these little Drops of Awesome for every tiny act of good, I found that I was doing more and more of them because it’s a lot more fun to do good when you’re rewarded with joy, rather than being guilted about every failure in your past.”

It is a lot more fun to focus on the positive!  My daughter made a sign for our house that says, It’s a good day to have a good day.  Have you had people in your life who just always seem to be happy?  How do they do it?  If you know them well, life isn’t always easy, but they choose to see the positive.  They choose to focus on the joy rather than the pain.  I think it is interesting that the East High football team didn’t have an easy win, they had to really work for it, but because they knew they were capable, they did it!  As we work to focus on joy, it becomes easier and easier.  It doesn’t mean life is free from difficulties, but it does help us handle what comes and thrive!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first serious talk Larry and I had after we got engaged was about how many children we wanted to have. I loved coming from a big family, and always pictured myself with lots of kids. Thankfully he shared those same desires and since we are both the 6^th of 8 children, we decided very quickly that 8 was the perfect number–give or take a few, but no question about it, a big family was in our future.

As is often the case with life, things didn’t go quite how we plan them. We were super blessed to have three fabulous kids that came after a lot of prayers, fasting and Priesthood blessings. They were spaced out further than we wanted, but we figured our prayers were answered three times, why not a few more? After many years of praying, our prayers still weren’t being answered the way we wanted, in fact they didn’t seem to be answered at all as we experienced the emotional rollercoaster of infertility.

In 2004 we decided to try in-vitro fertilization or IVF. At this point our oldest was about 13 and our youngest about 7. As I was preparing physically for the procedure, our family was preparing spiritually. We had several family home evening lessons on faith and miracles and talked about how God has the power to answer this prayer. We fasted, we prayed and we invited our extended family to join with us. We were doing our best to exercise great faith, and went forward with the procedure wondering if we would end up one, two or more babies! We were happy and felt confident Heavenly Father would answer this prayer.

It was a pretty sad day when I got the phone call telling us that it hadn’t worked. I was home alone when it came. I called my husband of course, but the kids didn’t find out until later. I was talking to my sister on the phone when she said something that, quite frankly, baffled me. She made a comment about what a blessing it is for my kids to go through this experience of not having their prayers answered. A blessing? I didn’t know what she was talking about. I wondered just how this would affect their faith.

After that phone call, I quit talking and whining and did some serious thinking. I also pulled out a book about receiving answers to prayer and spent the afternoon reading and pondering. I found a chapter entitled, “When the Answer is No.” As I read, I realized that the real test of our faith is to continue trusting in the Lord when we don’t get what we want. It is easy to trust and exercise faith when we ask to find something and we find it, or when we pray to have a child and we do, or when someone we love is miraculously healed. It is another thing altogether to pray for a righteous desire, exercise as much faith as we possibly can muster, and then not have those desires fulfilled. Do we get mad at God, doubt our faith, or deny that we ever exercised faith to begin with? Perhaps there is an element of concern about what others will think—will they think it was because of a lack of faith that the prayer wasn’t answered? A far better response, I learned, is to trust the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father by continuing to exercise faith. We must continue having the same faith, but then turn that faith into the miracle of trusting God.

That evening as we gathered together as a family and broke the news to the kids, I asked them why they thought it didn’t work. The immediate answer was, “because we didn’t have enough faith.” We told them no, that isn’t why. We did have enough faith. We absolutely knew that Heavenly Father had the power to grant that desire. It didn’t work because, for some reason we don’t understand, the answer was no. We tried IVF a second time several months later, again with no successful outcome. We learned from those experiences that sometimes it takes MORE faith to accept the Lord’s will than to have a miracle happen. For me, that lesson has been priceless as I have received a clearer understanding of truly trusting in the Lord and His will.

Faith is an interesting thing. It is not simply about asking and wishing hard enough for something so that we can get what we want, it is about trust. There is great power in faith, and by faith the works of God are made manifest. But faith alone does not make all our wishes come true. When difficult times come, we really do need to plead to the Lord and ask for a miracle with our whole heart, expecting that miracle to happen. When miracles come and prayers are answered, we then need to show gratitude for the Lord’s tender mercies. The greater challenge comes when our prayers and pleadings are not answered the way we would like, or the way we think they should be. It can feel that a giant door has been slammed shut. We may mistakenly feel that it is our fault, that we didn’t have enough faith, or that there really is no such thing as faith and miracles, at least not for us.

What is the key to successfully transitioning from total faith that our afflictions will be relieved and KNOWING God has the power to change things, to accepting the Lord’s will and still trusting in Him? I have pondered this for several months and have come up with a few thoughts. I fully recognize that I don’t understand this completely, and there are many situations with their own uniqueness, but here are some of my thoughts:

I think one key component is to know that God loves us individually. When trials come, we may feel that we have been abandoned, that God doesn’t love us, or that we are not worthy of a miracle. We need to be able to rely on the knowledge of his love so we can take these lonely, difficult experiences and come away with an even greater knowledge that God is there helping us through our difficulties, that He is aware of our needs. I have had some neat experiences with simply praying and asking our Heavenly Father if He loves me. Because He is God, and cannot lie, I know I will get an answer. What a sweet, wonderful feeling it is to feel His spirit completely wash over me, letting me know that indeed His love for me is constant, even when I have had doubts or struggles. President Thomas S. Monson said, “Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes… It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there.” If you are ever in doubt, kneel down and offer a prayer, simply asking God if he loves you, then bask in the sunlight of that answer. If we are watchful, we will see the hand of the Lord in our lives letting us know in multiple ways that He is completely aware of us.

As a parent, sometimes it is easier to just do everything for your kids—the house is cleaner, things are done better and definitely much faster when you do them. The problem is, if a parent always does this, children don’t master those skills themselves. So, many times as my kids were growing up, I had to exercise additional patience by teaching and letting them do it, perhaps multiple times in order to learn and grow. Eventually they mastered those skills that they struggled with, even those they didn’t like doing. Likewise, it would be easy for God to simply answer our prayers, do things for us and make life easy, but that would rob us of growing opportunities. Rather, His love extends beyond convenience and He gives us experiences and opportunities to help us learn what we need to learn. He is right there by our side as we struggle; mentoring us, encouraging us and teaching us eternal lessons. It must be painful at times to watch us struggle, but He who is all-knowing knows best how to teach us what we need to learn.

We were sent to earth to be tested, to have physical experiences, to learn to be better than we are, to prepare us even for godhood. Trials make us grow and teach us things we could never learn another way. Elder Richard G. Scott taught, “Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.” I love that! Not a moment more! All these experiences are for our good.

A few weeks ago I was attending the temple with some very serious concerns on my mind. I wondered if there was any hope with a particular problem. As I pondered I received a small glimpse of the purpose behind a different, but related, trial. It was to help someone I love to grow and change. I felt immense and immediate feelings of gratitude for that particular trial. In fact, I was willing to suffer more if it would help the ones I love to return to our Heavenly Father, and I was HAPPY for that trial. I came to have the feeling that one day, after this life is through, we will be able to see why we went through some of the things we did and will actually give great praise and thank God for giving us each of our particular trials. The very thought of not having that trial for my ease and convenience made me want to scream out and say, no give me the trial—I will do it! Because we don’t often get those insights and we don’t have the ability to see with eternal eyes, we must have faith and trust that God really is all-knowing, all-powerful, and above all, that his great love for us extends beyond simply pleasing us or making things easy. He allows us to pass through trials because He loves us, and knows that they will make us better sons and daughters.

Even Jesus Christ, the greatest of all, pled, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” Can you imagine the outcome if His Father and our Father would have answered that prayer with an “Okay, I will give you what you want?” All mankind would be lost, but for the salvation of all, he allowed Christ to be our savior and to fulfill the great an atoning sacrifice so we could be saved. Again, let me repeat the words of Elder Richard G. Scott, “Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.”

As we gain a knowledge of the love our Father has for us, and for all his children, and recognize the purpose of life, we can have the faith necessary to say as the Savior did, “Thy will be done.” As we are able to do that, we will gain a greater capacity to bear those burdens, and will feel of the great love God has for us. It won’t take away all the pain, or the suffering, but we will have hope and we will have trust in the Lord and his plan for us which will give us adequate strength to handle whatever difficulties come.

 

**This was originally posted in 2014

**Originally posted in 2014

When we were stationed at Yokota Air Base near Tokyo Japan, our branch would go to the temple the first Friday of each month. We would meet at 4:15 pm to head into Tokyo. That was a little earlier than the normal workday ended, so it was always a stress getting to the meeting point on time. One particular day was especially crazy, and as I left things were anything but calm both in our home and in my heart. I began to question if this was really the best thing for us to do. Perhaps we shouldn’t go each month, or maybe we should take turns going so one of us was staying home with the kids. That day as I sat in the temple it was on my mind as I pondered throughout the session. I had an experience and some very strong spiritual impressions that came to me to let me know that there was NOTHING I could do that would bless my family more than being at the temple.

From a logical point of view that really makes no sense. Why would getting away from my children be something that would help them so much? Wouldn’t spending time with them, reading to them or playing with them be a better use of time? Often in the gospel the things that would seem to make sense don’t always work that way. In fact, part of the test of our faith is seeing if we will follow the counsel of our leaders and the Lord when it doesn’t make sense to our limited minds. The amazing thing is, that the commandments are given to us simply to bless our lives and as we are obedient wonderful things happen. President Harold B. Lee said, “The only place on earth where we can receive the fullness of the blessings of the priesthood is in the holy temple. That is the only place where, through holy ordinances, we can receive that which will qualify us for exaltation in the celestial kingdom.” There is something about the temple that is different than any other place on earth. The temple is a place of power.

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the house of the Lord, certain blessing will come to you: You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears. You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before. You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.”

Elder Richard H. Winkel taught, “When you come to the temple you will love your family with a deeper love than you have ever felt before. The temple is about families.”

Since that wonderful day at the Tokyo Temple, I have had a firm testimony that attending the temple will bring spiritual power not only to me but also to my children. The spirit of Elijah is real, it turns hearts of family members to each other. As a couple we have put temple attendance as a top priority. It has strengthened our marriage and I have no doubt it has strengthened our family and given our children an added measure of protection and power. I have no doubt those blessings will continue as our children grow and have families of their own. I love the temple!

Making mistakes is usually a painful experience. No one likes to fail. It is a horrible feeling to know that you messed up, especially when it impacts someone you love. Being a parent is definitely a learning process, and inevitably involves making mistakes. We can minimize those mistakes by learning from the example of others, sometimes looking at others to know what not to do. We can learn from study—reading books, going to classes, and nowadays there seems to be no end to advice and ideas on blogs. There are many fabulous ideas out there, and much we can learn to help us out. When it comes right down to it though, there is no child just like yours with parents just like you. Even with the most diligent study and thought, we are sometimes left to wonder what we should do.

The great thing is that we are not left alone in our parenting. God can be with us every step of the way. Gene R. Cook wrote, “if we learn to have the Spirit of the Lord with us…we will receive ample instruction from the Lord because, after all, our children were his children first. He desires even more than we do to see his children saved. Thus, he wants to be a full partner in your marriage, [and] in your family…I repeat, he wants to give daily instruction in how to better direct our families in an inspired way.” I have learned that the very best source of parenting advice is from Him who knows us best, our Heavenly Father.

Here is an experience we had in our family about following the promptings of the spirit:

One Sunday morning Larry was in meetings in an upstairs room. Having afternoon church, we had a few hours before church started. The kids were upstairs playing, and I was downstairs working on the computer to get some things ready for an upcoming youth conference I was in charge of. I was on a roll, and really getting some great work done when the bickering started. I hoped that if I ignored it, they would work things out and I wouldn’t have to intervene. As the minutes passed, the noise and yelling increased. I knew I would need to stop what I was working on, to become the referee and keep things reasonably quiet upstairs. I was more than a little irritated with that thought. I had important things to do, so why did this have to happen now?! As I was walking up the stairs, I felt this wave of anger go through me, and I was super irritated that they had the audacity to fight while I was busy! About that same time, I felt a quiet prompting from the Holy Ghost telling me to control my temper. I opened the bedroom doors and told everyone to meet in my room. I had no idea what I was going to do or say. I had the thought to kneel in prayer, so we did. When we pray as a family, we usually kneel in a circle. Well, the kids each kneeled about as far away from the circle as they could and folded their arms with exaggerated body language to let me know they did not like this idea! I told them we were going to each take a turn praying. I said the first prayer, then my youngest said a prayer, I could tell she wasn’t too involved in the disagreement. Neither of the other two wanted to pray, so we waited. Finally one caved and said she would pray. As she began to pray, something amazing happened. Her heart that was so angry and hard melted almost instantly. As she prayed she began to sob. Her brother then said a prayer. He too was no longer mad and had a softened heart. Afterwards we hugged each other and then talked about having the spirit in our home. I never heard what the disagreement that seemed so big was; it really didn’t matter after that. The interesting thing was that after that experience we felt a greater love for each other. We all felt closer to each other because the spirit of the Lord was involved very literally in our family at that moment. Oh how grateful I am that I was interrupted in what I thought was such important work! I learned a lesson that would have a great impact in our family. I was so grateful that as I came up those stairs that I chose to follow the still small voice rather than the screaming wave of anger I was feeling.

A year or so ago I was at Stake Conference and heard of an experience one of the speakers had that showed perfectly the power of the Holy Ghost in parenting. It was Sister Callister, Elder Tad R. Callister’s wife who was speaking. I have a bad memory and didn’t take notes, so this is what I remember: She talked about a struggle she had with a teenage son. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, but their relationship wasn’t like it used to be. When she would ask him about his day, he would give short non-descript answers. She was sad that they didn’t talk much anymore. As she pondered and prayed about what she could do to improve their relationship, she had an idea come to her mind as she was walking past his bedroom. She saw a sports magazine on his bed and thought she should read it. As a busy wife, mother and church member, she really didn’t have any desire to read about sports, but again, she felt the prompting to read it, so she did. As she began to learn about sports, one of his interests, they began talking. It started out with sports, and then moved to all areas of their lives. Their relationship was strengthened. That thought was not her own. It was the spirit telling her what she could do to improve their relationship.

Those experiences aren’t unique to just certain people or certain families. As we seek the help of the Lord, and as we include Him in our family and as a partner in our parenting, the Holy Ghost will tell us what to do, and as we follow those promptings, we will have wisdom beyond our own guiding us. What an amazing miracle that each of us can have all the time—the companionship of the Holy Ghost. We may not know the answers to all things, but He does. As we seek to include our Heavenly Father in our parenting, we will be guided and lifted. It won’t take away our problems but will give us the tools to effectively deal with them.

One last thought: Even those who are most sensitive to the spirit will make mistakes. That is part of the mortal experience, and part of learning and gaining wisdom, which is one of the purposes of life. I also testify that if we do the best that we can, when those mistakes happen, the Lord will make up the difference. That is one of the great blessings of the atonement. As God’s children, doing our best–our very best–is enough.

Additional reading: I discovered the book, “Raising up a Family to the Lord” by Gene R. Cook when my kids were little. We used that book all the time. It is by far my favorite parenting book. We would refer to it as our Cook book! The basic premise to the book is to use the spirit as a guide. It is no longer in print but is available to buy from used book dealers or on Kindle.

**This was originally posted in 2015

**This was originally written and posted several years ago when the seminary program changed and began requiring personal reading and passing an assessment in order to get full seminary credit.

The New Seminary Requirements

As a stake seminary coordinator I was surprised and excited about the new requirements for seminary. Prior to the beginning of the school year, the teachers in our stake determined to be positive as we presented the new requirements to the students and parents. As the year progressed, and particularly when some students did not pass the assessment, some of the teachers started hearing negative comments and getting resistance from both students and parents. Not long afterwards, I had the opportunity to address the youth at a seminary activity. I determined to speak to the youth about why the requirements have changed and the blessings of that change to hopefully to help people view it as a blessing rather than simply another requirement. The following week I was visiting with a friend in another stake and shared some of what I talked to the youth about. It seemed to help her as a parent understand and so I decided to write this blog post to share my thoughts and hopefully help others understand the potential positive impact of the new requirements.

When I mentioned to my husband what I was going to be talking to the youth about, he told me I should tell them that the new requirements are their fault. He was even pointing his finger as he said, “It is all your fault.” I didn’t really like where I thought this was going, but listened thinking, there was no way I would do or say that. Then he added, “It’s your fault because if you hadn’t been so valiant before you came to earth, you would have been born when I was and you wouldn’t have to worry about the new requirements!” Well, suddenly I liked where that was going! When I shared that story with the youth their skeptical faces quickly changes to smiles. I did a quick search on lds.org for a quote and the first one I found was exactly what I needed. It was given by then President Ezra Taft Benson clear back in 1979!

He said, “In all ages prophets have looked down through the corridors of time to our day. Billions of the deceased and those yet to be born have their eyes on us. Make no mistake about it—this is a marked generation. There has never been more expected of the faithful in such a short period of time than there is of us. Never before on the face of this earth have the forces of evil and the forces of good been so well organized. Now is the great day of the devil’s power. But now is also the great day of the Lord’s power…”

Those words, “never before on the face of the earth have the forces of evil and the forces of good been so well organized” kept coming to my mind. A lot has changed since 1979, and we can continue to see the organization and strength of the forces of evil. What may have been adequate defenses then are simply not sufficient now.

The youth today have been prepared and are continuing to be prepared for the evils in the day they live, and also for the good that is required of them. In 1995 the Primary curriculum changed drastically. My oldest was then 4 years old, and was learning about the First Vision on his second week in Primary. The nursery children now receive that lesson. . Later, Activity Days for girls was introduced, as was a renewed emphasis on earning the faith in God award for both boys and girls.   Personal Progress has seen major changes over the years, and now young men focus on the Duty to God program. The Sunday school curriculum also changed twice in the last 10 years or so. The first change came as the older youth began the adult curriculum for Gospel Doctrine. Then just 3-4 years ago the curriculum changed again to “Come Follow Me”, which involves much more than sitting in a class and listening to a set lesson, but encourages participation, following the spirit in preparation and also increasing youth participation and teaching opportunities. So while the adults are still in the same Gospel Doctrine classes with the same manuals, the youth curriculum has once again changed to increase the opportunities to feel the Holy Ghost and increase learning.

The 2013/2014 school year saw the first of the new seminary curriculum. It is fantastic! There are continual updates on-line with links to media, and current teachings from our leaders. Not only is it a lesson manual, but it gives continual teacher improvement hints each lesson. Certainly an emphasis is on improved teaching as well as learning. This school year we have the new requirements for seminary completion. We are seeing a continual pattern of improvement…”the forces of good have never been so well organized.”

In Alma we read in chapters 48 and 49 about the way the Nephites prepared themselves from possible attack under the leadership of Captain Moroni. On the Lamanite side, wicked Amalakiah prepared his armies unlike ever before. They had shields, breastplates, and garments of skin to protect themselves. Because of that preparation and the greatness of their numbers they supposed that they could easily overpower the Nephites and came to battle. I love to read their response in Alma 49:8 when they saw the preparation the Nephites had made, “But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni.” I like to visualize the faces of the Lamanites as they saw the banks of earth and the pickets and the towers that had been built to fortify their cities. The Lamanites tried attacking multiple cities, but because of the preparation already in place, they could not come upon them. Alma 48:23 reads, “Thus the Nephites had all power over their enemies.”

We know that the Book of Mormon was written for our day. I spent years wondering how and when all those war chapters would be used for battle in the last days. Thankfully I have realized that those war chapters apply as much to us right here and now as any other chapters in the Book of Mormon. The war we are fighting is fought every single day–we are fighting the biggest battle that has ever existed, the battle against good and evil.

Wouldn’t it be great to re-word Alma 49:8 to read, “But behold, to the Devil’s uttermost astonishment, the youth of the latter-days were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of the covenant. Now they were prepared for the evils of the last day after the manner of the instructions of our prophets and apostles.”

Like those Nephites, the youth of today are being prepared. Under the direction of our leaders, the requirements for seminary have changed. It isn’t simply to challenge them, but to prepare them, to give them the tools to resist the adversary and to fulfill their role in hastening the work in the last days.

My favorite new requirement is the requirement to read each of the books of scripture we are studying. I KNOW the scriptures bring power to our lives. We need that power every single day. Studying the scriptures changes us. It helps us to see and discern things that are often hard to detect in todays skewed world. More than ever before we each, youth especially, need the power that comes from the scriptures. In order to stay spiritually strong, reading the scriptures daily is a requirement–not just for seminary.

The other new requirement, passing the learning assessments may be the most difficult requirement for the majority of parents, students and even teachers to understand the necessity for. I have seen a difference though in the learning of my class this year. Because they are now expected to learn and not just be present, they are being better learners. They are paying better attention and taking notes. As they show that they are willing to improve their learning, they will see an increase in the things revealed to them. Both Richard G. Scott and David A. Bednar have spoken quite a bit about the role of the learner and how taking an active role in learning increases the capacity to learn tremendously as well as invites the influence of the Holy Ghost in testifying. Just showing up is no longer adequate preparation.

The assessments are also making us as teachers step it up a notch. We are getting the clear message that it matters what we teach. What we teach and how we teach will effect out students. It helps us to see what the most important doctrines and principles are and make sure there is an understanding going on. The curriculum no longer includes a weekly class to scripture chase or play other games, but there are more lessons, so we have more opportunities to invite the Holy Ghost into the lives of each student.

How blessed we are to have prophets who truly are seers and know what we need, even before we need it, and to have leaders who are inspired to make changes that aren’t popular or convenient, but changes that we need to prepare for days ahead.

President Benson said on another occasion, “Never has the Church had a finer group of young people. They are choice spirits—sent to earth in this most challenging and important period of the world. Charged with the great responsibility of building up the kingdom of God on earth, they have an awesome challenge.”

We know from prophets that they are up to the challenge. And as a whole they will succeed! BUT, success won’t come just from speaking it, but from action. Success comes from continual improvement and strengthening. Their lives will be blessed from the new requirements as they learn of the Savior and feel more profoundly the influence of the Holy Ghost in their lives.

I considered putting “I’m tired of the lies” as my status on Facebook one day. I smiled as I thought about the comments that might come and even more at the thoughts and assumptions it would generate! No worries, I am still madly in love with my husband, and my kids are making great choices–but I am still tired of the lies!

In my reading and teaching from the Book of Mormon for seminary, I discovered and Mormon points out the lies that Satan put into the hearts of the people. One example is in 3 Nephi 1:22- “And it came to pass that from this time forth there began to be lyings sent forth among the people, by Satan, to harden the hearts, to the intent that they might not believe in those signs and wonders which they had seen;” The people at this point had seen many signs, significant signs–like three days of light with no darkness type of signs, but Satan began to put lies in their minds so they would not believe what they actually saw. Incredible!

Our day is no different, and Satan is still sending us lies. The media sends messages about the role of women suggesting that if they are pure and wholesome they are somehow less than others, that being a wife and mother and believing in the family is mundane and oppressive. About the same time that we studied 3 Nephi 1 in seminary, one of my students shared in a seminary devotional about how she was doubting her ability to share the gospel. I was also struggling with feelings of inadequacy, especially about writing this blog. Who am I to write of the things to God or things of the family? I didn’t post anything for over six months because I just kept thinking how stupid this blog idea even is. Then it hit me, those are lies that Satan is sending. Of course he doesn’t want me to write this blog. It might actually influence or help someone. The terrible thing is I fell into his trap! On a day when I was feeling blah, while doing the dishes, I listened to D. Todd Christofferson’s conference talk from Oct 2013 entitled, “The Moral Force of Women.” He spoke of the power and influence women can have (the same applies equally to men.) As I was listening, I turned off the water, sat down and began this post. I refuse to continue believing the lies.

President Spencer W. Kimball said clear back in 1978, “To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman’s strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times”

Christ said, “let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16) It is not only good to do good things and let your influence be felt, but Christ himself commanded us to do just that. It is not to build ourselves up, but to glorify God as we lift others.

I love this quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I believe the source of this fear she speaks of is not from God, but from the devil himself. As we recognize the lies for what they are, we can put them in their place–completely out of our lives–and be who we are meant to be.

So how can we figure out where to start and how we can be that influence for good? Time is working against us. We only have so much of it, and so we have to make decisions and set priorities. If we try to do everything, we will have little influence, so we must choose wisely. That is a very individual decision and I don’t think there is one right answer for everyone. Elder Christopherson said, “…of all our associations, it is your relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who is the source of your mortal power, that you must always put first in your life…and do not be afraid to apply that influence without fear or apology.” As we seek the will of the Lord and go to our Heavenly Father in prayer to know our purpose and where we should put our focus now, we will get our answers, to be who we are meant to be!

Doctrine and Covenants 6 has some great wisdom, “Fear not to do good…let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail…Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.”

As we trust God, fearing nothing, we can be the means of doing much good, which is what we are here to do. So, let’s quit believing those lies that tell us we are ordinary, that we can’t make a difference and stand up and let our light shine.

Originally written in 2014

 

In December we were blessed with our first grandchild.  Adelynn Marie was born to my oldest daughter.  What a sweet joy it was to hold her in my arms for the first time.  It was equally joyful to see Brynnley and Matt hold and love that sweet little baby who has blessed their lives.  What surprised me most was how I felt watching my son hold his little niece, it melted my heart. That week I experienced emotions that I didn’t even know I had! There is something about a brand new baby that seems to penetrate beyond this life, and lets us know that there is more and that there is a God, and we are part of an AMAZING plan!

God’s plan involves families.  Every person born is born into a family.  My greatest joys and my most exquisite feelings involve my family.  I heard the statement, “Family is Everything” for the first time many years ago while reading a book about Marjorie Pay Hinckley.  When I first read it, something clicked in my head and my heart, and I knew it was true!

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, written by prophets of God declares, “…that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”   That is a bold statement letting us know just how vital and sacred the family is.  That inspired document also teaches us that parents have a “sacred duty” to rear their children in righteousness,and will be held accountable to God in how we do that.  The relationships in our families matter, they matter more than any other earthly relationship.  Family should also be our highest priority.

I recognize that there are many who don’t have the ideal family they would like.  There are those who come from broken homes and dysfunctional families.  There are those who desperately want to find a spouse, have children or grandchildren, but for reasons unknown to them, they are not able to fulfill that dream, while it feels that everyone around them is finding joy in those areas.  To you I say, hold on.  The Savior knows your desires, your pains, and hears your pleas.  This life is but a moment.  It feels like an eternity, but there is more, and those desires will be more than made up for in the eternities if you keep your covenants.  For now cherish the family you have, and have faith in the family you will have in the future.